Bangkok

Visited Krung Thep aka Bangkok a few days ago. Krung Thep as it is fondly called by locals means “City of Angels”… though that is something that is soooo not what we associate with it.. unless you call fair, porcelain skinned, skimpily dressed thai girls, angels…. And in reality some do….

The trip encompassed 2 days in Pattaya and half a day in Bangkok. Needless to say, the half a day in Bangkok was utilized to shop shop and shop some more. The real adventure lay in Pattaya where we discovered new cultures, new food….and new friends !

The heart of Pattaya lies in the famous.. or should I say infamous walking street. 2 odd Kms of massage parlours, bars, discos, street food and street fucks. Every sight on the walking street is a very shocking, amusing, exciting(for guys and girls who swing the other way ) yet a very depressing sight. With girls as young as 12 – 13 twisting themselves around to pleasure old thurki firangs and thai men pimping out their own wives, amidst all the fun and sexual vibe of the place… it’s a completely different feeling to step back and try to understand the reality of the place.

A country, so beautiful, so much into peaceful Buddhism, marred by poverty and sustained by the sex trade… Thailand – the land of smiles as it is called is a perfect example of the helplessness and surrender of humanity. It is exhausting to see so much flesh being thrown your way, how can this be the only way for a country to survive. I’ve always propagated the existence of prostitution pockets in cities, it does help in keeping the crime rate in control. And here is a country that is the prostitution center of the world and it eeks me to see how the entire world got together to fuck a country to a level where skin is a commodity and marriage is a business arrangement…. It is truly the “City of Angels”… after all no human would have the heart to serve the world in such a way.

Manipulation

Webster’s defines “Manipulation” as ‘to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage’ . Totally in sync with our definations and associations of the word…But… it also defines manipulation as ‘to manage or utilize skillfully’ … so who draws the line between being manipulative and being “MANIPULATIVE”.

Like most people I have always prided myself as being a straightforward person, I knew I was complicated but never “manipulative”. But now I stand at a point in my life where I wonder what exactly is manipulation. Is concealing certain truths to get your work done manipulation? Is lying to a friend about what you are really thinking manipulation? When what you are actually thinking of is telling him that he’s about to do the biggest mistake of his life but you don’t know if he’ll continue to be your friend after that point…. What exactly is manipulation? …. People have usually commended me on my ability to form networks and exercise them well… but these networks were formed out of a genuine effort of friendship not a motive of “networking” and today I don’t know when I’m making a friendly call and when I’m “exercising” my network. Does time really bend you so bad at times… that you tend to forget the basic form of who you are…

I met a very very dear friend after a while yesterday in a semi professional context, I had so much to talk about so much to share and being the way I am I did… yap yap yap.. today im back at work realizing that I hardly spoke about what he’s been going through, and considersing he’s just managing a city and job change , it makes me cringe at the fact that I don’t even know how he feels about the new city he’s in… it’s not like we havent spoken about all this, but I still feel like I haven’t been there completely… I know he doesn’t really expect me to be there like always…but I used to want to care about every damn thing about every one in my inner circle.. I was a total worry pot!!... why have I learnt to let go of things… people say its for the better, to learn to distance, learn to draw lines… but excuse me..who draws the line between giving space and indifference??

Complications....

Its so amazing how we manage to compartmentalize our lives so easily. Tuck away each person, event, feeling into various nooks and corners of our head and heart. Never realizing that at the end of the day all these things have one thing in common…You. And that at some point or the other, they will touch each other and either co-exist or get destroyed. Do we really have enough in us to be able to maintain harmony between our million different feelings… can we maintain our sanity even when our hearts are constantly in a whirlwind of emotions, trying desperately to keep all parts of our lives at their rightful place and get their respective dues. Sometimes I really wonder whether we are the source of our own complications. I have never been able to understand people who claim to be ”Simple” …how can anyone be immune to the complications of relationships, unless you’re a total recluse … the world is full of wonderful people, some who make you tick and some who don’t…those who do make you tick will take a place in your life… some a higher place than others…the more the layers the more the complications and more the ecstasy of life…so can we ever lead a full simple life…a life full of the entire gamut of feelings and emotions yet simple enough to keep you sane… I don’t think we can ever use the words “simple” and “full” in the same sentence…But the bigger question is… Should we want to?... A friend once said “I prefer stability over Passion”…considering this was said in context to love, I really wonder what is it that drives people to run away from complication…. Is it so bad to want it all and be ready to go insane trying….

Soulmate...

I’ve always wondered what a soulmate meant. Contrary to all the Mush and Marketing of romantic perceptions, I think a soulmate is just someone who gets you. Not in the physical or emotional way but in the “being” way. A soulmate is someone who understands your most complicated expression without you having to explain it again or simplifying it. He’s someone who doesn’t need to hear you explicitly explain what you are thinking to know what you mean, but will still let you rant because he knows you need to. He understands that you are human too just like him and that you are also entitled to being confused and complicated, that you maybe independent and head strong, but you still fight the same battles of head vs heart and passion vs convention.
So what do you do if you think you’ve found your soulmate…. But he’s not your lifemate. Is a soulmate always supposed to be a lover or a spouse? What do you do when you find a soulmate who can’t be either, not because of any other reason but morality? If I were to believe that a soulmate could be just a friend, how do we fight all the feelings that direct you otherwise.. it’s not always easy to hold on to your soulmate, especially if you have found them late in your life. But yet, the ever scrunching need to hold on to them and defy all that’s conventional in this world makes us go out of our way to make them a part of our lives, and not just as a memory…Too bad some things are bound to slip away, yet maybe it’s all for the better….or is it ?

What If...

“WHAT IF” is a four letter word, born out of the heart’s need to feel and the head’s need to think. We cant explain the what if feeling, nor is there any explanation to the dream houses one small What If feeling starts building… It’s a crazy thought that one different choice, one different coincidence, one different turn in life could change it forever and take you in a direction that’s diametrically opposite and tangentially happier…. But the truth about the what if feeling is that it signifies our ability to hope and wish, to feel, to love.. because without the What If feeling, we wouldn’t be able to define the What IS !

Back to Square One...

A friend once recited an old saying “By the time you make ends meet.... they move the ends”. At that time I asked him ‘what the hell is that supposed to mean?’. Today after 4 years I finally got it! Has it ever happened to you that something you work towards so hard, escapes you at the last minute. Have your timelines ever stretched just when you were about to reach your goal. When the feeling of disappointment and fear of uncertainty both arise in your soul at the same time, where do you look? Do we turn to rationale saying it’s for the better, or do we turn to hope to keep us going against the uncertainty. When do we start to get ok with delays in our lives and our loves.
We all tend to plan our lives as much as we can, our careers, when we plan to get married, earn X amount of money by what age etc etc. But what happens when something that’s so on track suddenly gets thrown off track. When we lose all our money in the stock market, when we end a loving relationship for practical reasons, when we get fired without notice. What happens when you get back to square one?
I have always dreaded starting all over, but I’m also very stubborn. So how do we know when it is ok to give up. Who draws the line between persistence, hope and insane obsession. They say the world runs on hope. Does it really? Do we tend to rely a little too much on it? Disguising our denial as hope? At times I dunno where hope ends and fear of letting go begins. All I know is that if there was no hope, I would have probably been a cynical, bitter woman who does not believe in love and trusts no one. Thankfully for me the ray of hope has always seen me through. It takes times but I get there......sooner or later.

Dreams....

Has it ever happened to you that you wake up on a perfect morning, with the sun shining bright and the wind softly caressing your face, with the smell of coffee drifting in the air…and yet feel like just pulling the covers and blocking out the world… Life can be very funny at times…give you everything you dreamed off and worked for and yet make you feel like shit.

Dreams seem like the sole source of all happiness, like they say if you achieve your dreams you’ve “made it” in life. But honestly is there anything known as “achieving your dreams”? I think dreams are those ever elusive goals that we keep setting for ourselves, making our mind believe that our source of happiness lies in that one job, that one house, that one car…that one mate. When infact happiness is all around us, we just refuse to accept it.

It’s not like we shouldn’t have dreams… its very essential for sake of all things that have purpose that we dream and set goals and work towards achieving them. Achieving them is definitely a source of happiness, but should not being able to achieve them be a source of sadness. I’ve been trying to solve this question in my head for a very long time now. Is it so wrong to be satisfied and happy with what you have? Why is there always the need to want more? Is wanting our way of feeling alive, of feeling that we have some purpose. Why cant living life itself be a purpose.

Since time immemorial I remember being asked “ so what is your ambition beta?” and my answers have gone from genetic engineering to astrophysics to medicine to journalism to Advertising to entrepreneurship. Even today if anyone asks me that question I would give them a definite answer, but will achieving that actually make me feel purposeful and happy...well now that’s the question. Will my life stop being purposeful once I get married, get my restaurants running and watch kids grow up well. If not than why do we chase our set dreams so wildly, sacrifice family and love to achieve that career we want, and then sacrifice the career to have the family we want. Why cant we just be content with doing what makes us happy, why the need to constantly win? And in the end who is to say who the winner is. Like I said Life can be very funny at times…give you everything you dreamed off and worked for and yet make you feel like shit